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New legislation outlaws any drug with less than 30% tax
“That is an unfortunate political decision.” Any drug that has a psychoactive effect and dangerously low tax levels will be illegal to make or sell in the UK as of today. The move comes soon after a...
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Everybody suddenly an expert on behaviour of gorillas
“Nah, he’ll be fine. David Attenborough didn’t have any problems.” After a gorilla was shot dead at a zoo in Cincinnati, it has emerged that everybody on facebook is massively knowledgeable about the...
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George Osborne would be forced to eat your children in event of Brexit
I’d eat them with some fava beans If Britain votes to leave the EU George Osborne will have no option but to eat your children in order to survive, the Chancellor has claimed in a statement today. This...
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Some celebrity relationship bullshit going on with Taylor Swift
Dating Taylor Swift? We’re not really sure There is some kind of celebrity relationship bullshit happening, involving Taylor Swift and a man, or possibly two men, who are also celebrities, and...
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‘You voted for this shit, you deal with it’ Cameron tells Britain
See *that* exit? I’m going through it asap David Cameron has told Britain that somebody else can deal with all of the shit that will come from leaving the EU, because he is not having it. “Every...
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Pukka Pies and Bisto announce new partnerships with England football team
Ahh, hydration for elite level athletes Following the appointment of Sam Allardyce as England manager both Pukka Pies and Bisto have swiftly agreed sponsorship deals with the FA. Leicestershire based...
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Killer clown arrested after getaway car falls to pieces
Remember they’re more scared of you than you are of them. Just trap them using a glass and a piece of cardboard and release them in the garden A man dressed as a “killer clown” has been arrested by...
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Police appeal for information in search for thousands of missing Man United fans
Have you seen these people? They may no longer be wearing the wigs. And definitely won’t be smiling. Metropolitan Police have issued a public appeal for information as they search for thousands of...
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‘Fucknugget’ declared word of the year in honour of Brexit and Trump voters
It comes just after “f*ck” Oxford Dictionaries have declared ‘fucknugget’ as its 2016 international word of the year, reflecting what it called a year of “unbelievable levels of fucknuggetry”. The word...
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Nobody in Spain paying any tax
Ronaldo gives instructions to his accountants After announcing that Jose Mourinho and Cristiano Ronaldo are being investigated for tax fraud, embarrassed Spanish officials have admitted that nobody in...
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